Keifer! What is going on w/ the celebs today?

Jack Bauer, er, the voice of those dreaded Bank of America commercials, um, KEIFER Sutherland, apparently flew into a violent rage at a Costume Institute Gala after-party last night and head-butted Jack McCollough, one half of the talented Proenza Schouler design duo.
Apparently, our designer friend has a broken nose.

When I think of Keifer, I think of this. Calm down, dude.

Or, I think of his dad, “Good morning, oranges….”. That is so soothing. When I have a panic attack, I should just listen to a loop of Donald Sutherland speaking.

What to think? Back on the sauce?

FUN UPDATE: Apparently, Jack M. knocked over Brooke Shields at the party, causing Kiefer to get all protective and demand he apologize to Brooke. They faced off and said head butt occured. Here’s what’s so odd: Brooke’s spokesperson is saying that no such thing happened and Brooke “does not know what would cause Keifer to act in such a manner.” Oh, goodness. I’m sticking with the Christmas tree theory.

The Boss – maybe you can stop mocking my love of the old man now.

Many people giggle and tell me I’m ridiculous that I adore the Boss. Let me tell you, like most silly white folks, I also love Lil Wayne, Jay Z and Coldplay. If I dig deeper, I am a music addict with some pretty impressive chops – I love everything from Keane to John Mayer to Nada Surf to Diana Ross to Earth, Wind & Fire. That said, I am ridiculed all the time for my love of The Boss. I think it’s a generational thing, a geographical thing, a first concert I ever went to thing. Leo – he was born while “A Promised Land” was playing. Yep, true story.

Of COURSE, I got my tickets today for the new shows in the spring this morning. Sleeping baby in my arms, I got frustrated with Ticketmaster’s site crashing, but gosh knows I probably got the last 2 seats in the nosebleed section. Did you watch the Superbowl? Dude looked hot. Clarence looked like Andre Leon Talley. Seriously!

He’s riding a lovely wave of renewed popularity these days – stumping for Obama, playing the Inaugural, releasing a new album, winning a Golden Globe for “The Wrestler”, being nominated for an Oscar for the same song, etc. What’s not to love? Here’s a pic of him that my friend took at Inaugural when Bruce was backstage at the concert at the Lincoln Memorial. Lucky guy.

Are those khakis? Oh dear. He’s still my one free pass.

Those of you in committed relationships will know what “one free pass” means. It’s when you would have the opportunity to spend time, ahem, with one person who you have a mad crush on. Sort of like “Indecent Proposal”. Of course, it’s good to make your free pass person completely unattainable and not the red-headed 23 year old dumbass you meet on the plane. It’s never really fulfilled but fun to talk about.

I’ve given a lot of thought to my free pass. I think Mr. Notranting’s is Scarlett Johansson (he and every man in America – which leads me to go see Vicky Christina Barcelona this weekend, no doubt). I need to check again. So, mine is 58 years old, which is not supposed to be the way this goes. Sue me. It’s an area thing, a childhood thing, a hotness thing. Until I opened this morning’s New York Post. Khakis and a polo shirt? Check. Slight – dare I say – paunch? Check. He probably just had lunch. I saw this specimen about 10 days ago and he was the hottest, fittest thing ever. Never mind – I’m keeping him. I’m too hormonal to change. Patti, if you ever get tired of him, I’m here.

Stupid criminal of the week – “…SHARK!”

You know it’s summer when someone yells “shark”. But this guy took it to whole new levels with his assertion that he saw two 22 foot Great Whites off the coast of MV, then couldn’t name his fishing boat and gave his address as a homeless shelter. Great Quint almighty, this trick is old. However, this genius gets extra points for actually managing to get Chief Brody, or whoever is the Chief, to close the beaches.

Go back in the water. It’s okay! As for Michael Lopenzo, maybe he can get three squares and a bed for this little infraction.

Say What You Need To Say.

Reading blogs is a good way to get five minutes of recreation or education (or complete escapism). Kudos to John Mayer, not only a talented musician, but an intelligent and ironic blogger. I don’t normally read celeb blogs, but his I do. He’s from Fairfield, CT, as well and that doesn’t hurt. So much of the Hollywood-ish pap coming out of the mouths of “artists” is beyond banal. Like I would ever read, say, Rosie O’Donnell’s blog. Sheesh.

He is a proverbial breath of fresh air with his dry wit, fears, doubts, kindness, sarcasm and pride.

So, read on. Totally amusing, sharp and self-deprecating. He’s a Friend in My Head.

Married in my head.

This would certainly be an awe-inspiring coupling, now that her divorce drama is finally over. Please, relationship gods, let it be (pun SO NOT intended, so I’ll keep it), if only for a moment. After that moment, we’ll realize there aren’t enough earplugs, child protection laws or, for that matter, air in the room.

PS – as I am a terrible image resizer, that’s a lovely PETA photo of Alec Baldwin and Heather Mills. Loses it’s punch when you can’t see it, right?

Source: – a much more amusing source for celeb news than, say, MSNBC. Thanks, MK.